Letter to Senator George Allen

Mark Lane
Washington DC

September 22, 2006

Senator George Allen
204 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington D.C. 20510

Dear George:

Welcome to our tribe.  I am sure that by now many leaders of the usual Jewish organizations have written to you to inform you of our liturgical practices and the obligations and benefits to which you are now entitled.

Nevertheless, since I, like you, have not been ritually involved for some years, perhaps a few words from me might be useful. However, there have been a few small differences in our approach; I did attend my bar mitzvah when I was thirteen and I have never denied that I was Jewish. It is not too late for a deferred ceremony for you; it is followed by a party and you tend to receive many fountain pens. Your public assertion that is was an “aspersion” (defined as a damaging or derogatory remark or criticism) to suggest that you might be Jewish, made by you after you knew that you were Jewish, is a little trickier, but I am sure that it can be resolved with some prayers and blessings from the right people.

It would be good for your soul and also useful politically to learn something of our shared traditions developed over a period of thousands of years. We were warriors once but then decided that we were people of the book.  Einstein said it best, as was his style, when declining the presidency of Israel. He reminded us that armies were not our way and that humanity and intellectual pursuits were. He reminded us that racism was, or should be, foreign to us.

That brings us to the recent remarks you made to a non-Caucasian fellow citizen and fellow Virginian when you were still a good Christian. You sarcastically welcomed him to your country and referred to him with a derogatory name (similar to naming a football team the most racist of all professional team names --“Redskins”.) We are not permitted to do that. Unfortunately, too many of us do, but it is not really kosher and our religion teaches, as did your former one, that we are all God’s creatures and equal in his or her eyes. So genug shoyn with disparaging people who look a little different.  

About the food.  Matzho ball soup, gefilte fish and chopped liver are not required eating. But you should know something about them. A matzho ball is, or should be, a light, fluffy dumpling consisting in large measure of matzho meal. A gefilte fish does not swim in the trout streams of Virginia but is a combination of different white fish which, if made properly, is quite bland, some say tasteless.  But that is what horseradish is for. Chopped liver is its own description but remember not to use Crisco instead of schmaltz  and add a bissel of salt.

You may reasonably find that our traditional wine is somewhat lacking in panache. Paul Gaston, a retired professor at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, and a heralded wine expert, could probably locate a wine for you that approximates Manischewitz  but is even more complex and sophisticated. The good news is that there are now numerous kosher wines from vineyards in the United States and France and elsewhere that receive excellent notices from The Kosher Wine Review.  

For many years we have been a peaceful people and you will find among your co-religionists, both here at home and in Israel, many, but unfortunately not all, who speak for peace and millions who oppose the war in Iraq and detest the lies which have led us there. Of course, you are free to reach your own conclusions in this and all other matters but you might study our traditions and history on the question of morality and war.  Remember that Sholom is our universal greeting and that it means peace.

You will find that your move to Judaism may not be as traumatic as you expected when you first said you were insulted to be called a Jew. Jesus  was Jewish and in reflecting our heritage was called the Prince of Peace. And Islam, now a target religion of your political associates, is a more eclectic faith drawing largely upon Judaism and Christianity for its teaching. Jesus is honored and revered by Muslims.  In Palestine it is difficult for the residents to distinguish between Jews, Arabs, Christians and Muslims.

So welcome to our religion. Mazel tov. And yes, there is one rite that you may want to skip now that you are mature in years. If you are a bit fahrblunget about that you might consult your physician.

From a fellow Virginian and a fellow member of the Jewish religion.

Sincerely,

Mark Lane

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